Outtake Advent
Posted by Amy Evelyn Oden , Saturday, December 17, 2016 8:00 PM
I’m not gonna lie, friends: I use
Photoshop every year on our annual Christmas family photo.
In addition to the forgivable
tweaks of color and brightness, I sometimes remove unwanted elements and
sometimes I even meld different shots together.
Last year, after probably fifteen
takes, we still didn’t have one good one. So I took a smiling head of Oliver
off one shot and pasted it onto another where the other three of us were
smiling. If you look closely at my hair,
the keen eye will note that I have two of the exact same curl on the right side
due to the overlap from Oliver’s pasted head.
Two years ago, I was five months
post-partum and may or may not have used some clever shading to hide some of
the baby weight (read: double chin).
This year, by some miracle of grace, we got a good shot of all four of us in only four takes. But Photoshop still helped out to fix some unsightly background elements. We wouldn’t want anyone to see the garden hose or that grime on the front walkway wall, you know.
I like to have one cohesive, cleaned-up family image to encapsulate that year. Does it matter if it’s a little fake? Probably. I don't know. It doesn’t bother me that much. There’s something very satisfying about a squeaky clean picture of us at the end of every year that I’ve spent up to my ankles in toys and broken crayons and stickers and dirty laundry and body fluids.
There is a slight pang of guilt,
however, as I send the photo out to family and friends. “They’re not seeing the real us,” I think. And maybe—like the
time I noticed the mom at the library who seemed to have it all together…and
then I noticed her three-year-old’s shoes were on the wrong feet and I sighed
with relief—my friends and family would be glad to see the double chin and the
grime on the wall. Maybe I could be the
sigh of relief they need.
Much like that cleaned-up photo, I'm wanting to create a beautiful, meaningful, memorable, picturesque holiday season for my kids. This year, however, I’ve been calling this “Outtake Advent” because it’s been unrolling much more like a blooper reel than a magazine layout.
On December 1st
as the countdown to Christmas began, I was texting with my best friend who was
waiting on her labs to see if chemo was on or not that day. (So I could stop this blog post here and
you’d understand already that Christmas is unfolding under
severely-less-than-ideal circumstances this year. But I’ll continue anyway.)
We were sharing about our
countdown kick-offs, laughing-so-as-not-to-cry, as her children fought over who
got to read the first Advent activity and her daughter scowled at her son through
the whole thing. On my end, I had hung up the stockings on their heavy, metal
mantel hangers, then left the room to do something else. Oliver yanked on
one and the hanger crashed down onto his toe, so I come back in to find him
crying and bleeding. An hour later, the
whole big-toenail would be black.
We read Day 1 of the family
Advent devotional book that I wanted to start as a new family tradition. The next day, Vianne and I got into a fight about
reading it because she didn’t want to do it.
She eventually declared that she would do it (begrudgingly) this year but NOT NEXT
YEAR. To date, we’ve read nine of the seventeen entries so far, and that’s only because we doubled up on at least three
days (yeah, do the math, that means we’ve read it six out of seventeen days…that’s 35%).
We bought a Christmas tree stand
that, when the box was opened, looked like it had been run over by a truck
(back to the store again!) and finally, after eight years of marriage, bought a
star topper for our tree, which burned out a week later. We also bought new ornaments
for this year; Oliver’s has already been broken and glued several different
times.
After getting the tree set up,
the kids and I were putting the ornaments on and I felt we needed some music. I turned on my favorite Christmas CD (Steven Curtis Chapman’s
The Music of Christmas) which I turn on every year as the moment in which I
declare, “It. Is. CHRISTMASTIME!” and I usher in the season. Those first few notes make my soul swell and
fill me up with hope and joy and excitement for what’s ahead. But this year, Oliver screamed through the first two songs because he was mad that I’d changed the CD.
I bought a fir-scented candle to emulate fresh Christmas tree and it smells like fake-tree-like-generic-holiday-scent-that's-mildly-unpleasant and we're lighting it anyway, because it was $5.24 plus tax, darn it.
I tried to be fancy for an outing last week and wear actual expensive perfume, and though I was aiming at my neck/chest, it went directly into my face. My nose & cheeks smelled great!
I bought a fir-scented candle to emulate fresh Christmas tree and it smells like fake-tree-like-generic-holiday-scent-that's-mildly-unpleasant and we're lighting it anyway, because it was $5.24 plus tax, darn it.
I tried to be fancy for an outing last week and wear actual expensive perfume, and though I was aiming at my neck/chest, it went directly into my face. My nose & cheeks smelled great!
Yesterday we took a tray of homemade holiday
treats to our local public service agency. I hate sounding like I'm tooting our own horn here, but we did
this last year and they seemed thrilled about the cookies and about our visit. Maybe they were just being nice. Now I'm questioning everything I ever knew. This year, we felt like a big intrusion and were told that it really wasn’t
necessary (“We just want to say thank you,” I said), that we were contributing
to their seasonal weight gain (“Oh, you guys burn it off,” I said), and, while
being shown all the many, many treats they’d already received (Why didn't I just take my tray and leave at that point?), that they encourage people
to give instead to the less fortunate (“We do that too,” I said with gritted
teeth, leaving out the next part, “Just take the $%#@ cookies and say thank
you.”). Message received. My “Things
Not To Do Next Christmas” list just grew by one item. It's not the first time and won't be the last that I try to do something nice and end up feeling like an idiot.
I want things to be fun that end
up being stressful. I want to be calm and I’m yelling at the kids not to touch
things. I want to be a blessing and I'm made to feel like a burden. I want to be joyous and impart peace to others and I’m having
near-panic attacks in stores when I can't get through the aisles.
If I sound petty and privileged,
I am, but it goes deeper than decorations and ambiance and not-so-well-received treats, too. I’m giggling with my daughter over
the gender of gingerbread cookies while inwardly begging heaven to quell
the despair of terrified children half a world away that are hoping they wake
up tomorrow, let alone on Christmas morning.
I’m making toffee and praying for
tumors to go away, for custody battles to end, and for hearts grieving over the recent loss of loved ones to
somehow be comforted this season, knowing first hand how dark that can get.
I’m teaching my kids Christmas carols with a
chokehold on the lyrics’ promises as I wrestle fears about the future and
finances and foreign powers.
I’m supposed to be showing goodwill towards men
and women but during the political nightmare of self-righteousness, hate-slinging,
finger-pointing, hypocrisy and histrionics that is 2016, I only like about twelve
people right now. (Don’t ask which twelve. I'll never tell.)
So I don’t
have tips, as some bloggers do, on creating the perfect Christmas or ending the year well. I can post
pictures that look like I do, but here’s the reality behind them: I’m trying to
remember 1) to breathe and 2) what’s important. I’m
praying desperate prayers all day every day.
I’m finding moments of hope and peace and joy but I have to keep
re-finding them. I’m trying to smile at people that I feel like yelling at. I keep
asking for forgiveness for losing my temper, my focus, and my mind.
And I’m thanking God over and over and over
that He so loved the world that He sent a Savior for it, and for me. Because it needs one. And I need one.
Honestly, friends, it’s there I find
the “true meaning of Christmas”. It’s not that we were photogenic supermodels
with picture-perfect houses, without flaws or troubles, and God was like, “Hey, I
thought I’d send my Son on a vacation to Earth.” It’s
that we were dysfunctional and rebellious and hopeless and self-centered and ungrateful and misled far,
far beyond any Photoshop tool’s ability to fix it, and God sent His Son to save
us and to show us a different, sacrificial, God-centered way to live. And then, He sent His Spirit to live in us
because even when the way was shown to us, we still couldn’t do it by our strength
and will and ability alone.
If everything were going perfectly right now, I might forget that.
If everything were going perfectly right now, I might forget that.
So, to end a year that’s far and
wide being labeled as horrible, to put it mildly...
In solidarity with the rest of humanity who can’t get it together either, and in keeping with the first Christmas, where the family photos would’ve had all kinds of grime in the background and at least one crying baby despite what the carols claim, I’ve decided to post the Oden Outtakes...the real, unedited pictures from our Christmas (and a few other) family photo sessions.
My Christmas gift to all of you who’ve made it this far in the post: a sigh of relief and, I hope, a really good laugh.
In solidarity with the rest of humanity who can’t get it together either, and in keeping with the first Christmas, where the family photos would’ve had all kinds of grime in the background and at least one crying baby despite what the carols claim, I’ve decided to post the Oden Outtakes...the real, unedited pictures from our Christmas (and a few other) family photo sessions.
My Christmas gift to all of you who’ve made it this far in the post: a sigh of relief and, I hope, a really good laugh.
Thanksgiving 2012
Christmas 2012
She confused her Christmas dress with the Christmas treats.
She confused her Christmas dress with the Christmas treats.
I'm smiling...
...no, I'm not stressed out...
...I'm SMILING.
Christmas 2013
And...nailed it.
Christmas 2014
July 2015
Trying to use a remote...can ya tell?
(love Vianne's facepalm here...)
Where's Vianne?
Oh, there she is.
And...gone again.
Thanksgiving 2015
Oliver was not feeling very thankful.
Christmas 2015
Merry Christmas?
Bribed the boy with chocolate.
Christmas 2016
Ok, employed some help from Photoshop for this one.
Can't get both of them to stay still and smile for anything.
There may have been threats to return all the Christmas gifts.
You're welcome.
Amy, thank you for sharing your heart. I read all of this to Anna and we so enjoyed your photos. All of them. Praying you feel the arms of Jesus around you all. I understand, as you said, it's been a very difficult year, to say the least. Thank God for Jesus, He is the reason for Christmas and the reason we have hope beyond this life. Wishing you and your beautiful family a Blessed and Merry Christmas, and a Happy & Blessed New Year ! hugs from Anna and me. eric